Thanks a whole lot.

Victoria's Secret. What the hell. Is there a reason you pilfer more than 1/3 of my dispensable income right outta my hands every month? Those sly e-mails that tempt me to buy your over-priced lacy underwear are nothing less than a Communist plot, I tell you! And a damn good one at that. C'mon now...if things keeps going the way they are, I am going to have one extensive undergarment collection by the end of the year. I don't think it will be able to be contained in one drawer by next Christmas. It might take an entire closet one day when I'm 30. If I ever move, it might warrant a whole moving truck to itself. Thanks a lot.

You do realize you're taking over the world, right? When one sees a pair of hot, silky, lacy, or cheek-revealing underwear, they immediately ask (or think, if they're shy...)"Victoria's Secret?", to which the wearer/bearer more than 87% of the time affirms the query. Why don't we all just buy Hanes and Fruit of the Loom? Why does even my blessed grandmother buy her undies from you? Good lord. Your rule over women...and men...is unbridled. Can you please stop coming out with new styles, collections, and colors? I'd rather not be forced to make an embarrassing Christmas list that contains solely items from your over-sexed-girls-on-the-walls stores. Thanks a lot.


I used to think you were a hoax: stupidly expensive underwear for sluts or models or transvestites. But once I went there, broke my VS virginity, there ain't no going back.


Thanks a lot.

Self-Inflicted Pain

There are just some things in life that you should do. Even though they are going to hurt like hell. Do them.

You should probably get waxed.
And you should probably get a piercing other than your ears.

It sounds absurd: all that sick, grotesque, unnecessary pain. And for what? Just so you can flaunt a starfish shaped belly-button ring for 3 months out of the year? Just so you can wear a bikini without fear and not worry about contracting a uni-brow?
Oh how wrong you are, my friend.

Not gonna lie here---waxes are uncomfortable. Let's not beat around the bush (ha...). But quite honestly, facial waxing, firstly, is quite gratifying! To know that the sunlight/fluorescent light bulbs aren't reflecting off your fine little peach fuzz is quite reassuring and instills a "Damn, I look hot" attitude, even if no one notices (they probably won't unless you have people inspecting your face on a regular basis). And well, we all know that sometimes...in that bikini...you wonder. Do yourself a favor and just get a Brazilian once, too. Oh, you're just so experienced now! It may be more awkward than even a visit to the gyno, simply cause it takes longer, and doctors always act awkward and get 'er done quickly anyway; it's relatively uncomfortable to shoot the breeze with a woman you hardly know while half naked lying in a compromising position with hot wax oozing and linen strips ripping. Yea. This is a normal place to talk about the weather.

And as far as piercings go, you're going to have to get down 'n dirty for this one. You can't go to Claire's in the mall and ask for your tragus or Monroe pierced. Find the shadiest place possible (as long as they use clean needles, you're all good....I think). It helps if you have to park in an abandoned lot across the road and also if men whistle at you while crossing the street. You're going to sign a waver of absurd statements like "I realize this piercing may change my appearance" but it'll be fine. The death metal music reverberating in the back is is no way a sign that this is a place of the devil---no fear. And when that needle comes in contact with your virgin nose/belly button/cartilage, no fear. Just keep talking and be a boss. Don't bleed. If you can help it...which you can't.

This is a peculiar post for such an innocent looking blog...