ANTS!

Ants...in my Pants

Often, I get this feeling. I can’t describe it without sounding like a total kook, but I get this FEELING. It makes me want to jump out om my own body, my own mind, take a break for a while. Basically, it’s an intense subconscious analysis of my existence. Melancholy is too positive a description. Apathetic is too calm. If pressed for a real adjective for it…I have none. Deep and lonely and ethereal and bizarre and muted and excruciating and seismic and minuscule and I don’t know what to chalk it up to.
Lately…I’ve been feeling antsy. I anticipate MORE out of life than what I’m getting, however, I’m undeniably content (which is not something I’m used to…). But I am so irreversibly striving for MORE. I am also undeniably sick of living in the American bubble society, where everyone wants to be teachers and doctors and lawyers and make tons of money without anyone to spend it on but themselves and settle down and go camping and live in the suburbs.
I don’t want any of that. One day? sure. But now? No. There’s so much MORE to see! So many places to live, foods to eat, people to meet, things to experience, feelings to feel, good and bad; there’s this void that needs to be filled, damn it. I’m tired of speaking about things I ‘know’ about like I’m some authority on anything. My knowledge is limited to what I skim in textbooks and novels and newspapers and in the pictures I see; inside my head is worthless knowledge I’ll never use and never desire to use anywhere but on the exam next week—-which in and of itself is no way to learn.
Gotta get out, man. See the world. So many people say it, but I mean it. I want to know and see and do; and love and learn and lose and hurt; and EXPERIENCE things, instead of just living day to day, 9-5, dinner and freakin’ weekend and coffee at 9am from the Keuirg  and laundry on Sundays…routine sucks, plain and simple, and this comfortable thing I’ve gotten myself into is such a lie.
The only way I can currently even cope with the normality of my life is to make brash decisions and stupid mistakes and do things “…” would never do. Because I’m bored with myself and my life and this place, and nothing is going to convince me that the world revolves around the here and the now—-out there, then—-THOSE are the things I focus on and THOSE are what will make this funk go away…that isn’t to say my life isn’t perfect. Cause when I step back and analyze, it is. IS. Strangely content with this life I currently lead, more than I ever have been for sure, I simply know there’s MORE out there. And I want to find it and take a picture of it and do it and journal it and tell people about it. Because being stuck in my head is a dangerously unsettling place to be…it's gloomy and so selfish and reaps so much havoc on your psyche...you dwell on things that don't need to be dwelt upon, and unbury memories that shoulda stayed like 7 feet under in a swamp, and you just can't move on. Consequently, you can only be as happy as your current situation allows.
And my current situation is priceless—-but...so much about my existence could be better.