ANTS!

Ants...in my Pants

Often, I get this feeling. I can’t describe it without sounding like a total kook, but I get this FEELING. It makes me want to jump out om my own body, my own mind, take a break for a while. Basically, it’s an intense subconscious analysis of my existence. Melancholy is too positive a description. Apathetic is too calm. If pressed for a real adjective for it…I have none. Deep and lonely and ethereal and bizarre and muted and excruciating and seismic and minuscule and I don’t know what to chalk it up to.
Lately…I’ve been feeling antsy. I anticipate MORE out of life than what I’m getting, however, I’m undeniably content (which is not something I’m used to…). But I am so irreversibly striving for MORE. I am also undeniably sick of living in the American bubble society, where everyone wants to be teachers and doctors and lawyers and make tons of money without anyone to spend it on but themselves and settle down and go camping and live in the suburbs.
I don’t want any of that. One day? sure. But now? No. There’s so much MORE to see! So many places to live, foods to eat, people to meet, things to experience, feelings to feel, good and bad; there’s this void that needs to be filled, damn it. I’m tired of speaking about things I ‘know’ about like I’m some authority on anything. My knowledge is limited to what I skim in textbooks and novels and newspapers and in the pictures I see; inside my head is worthless knowledge I’ll never use and never desire to use anywhere but on the exam next week—-which in and of itself is no way to learn.
Gotta get out, man. See the world. So many people say it, but I mean it. I want to know and see and do; and love and learn and lose and hurt; and EXPERIENCE things, instead of just living day to day, 9-5, dinner and freakin’ weekend and coffee at 9am from the Keuirg  and laundry on Sundays…routine sucks, plain and simple, and this comfortable thing I’ve gotten myself into is such a lie.
The only way I can currently even cope with the normality of my life is to make brash decisions and stupid mistakes and do things “…” would never do. Because I’m bored with myself and my life and this place, and nothing is going to convince me that the world revolves around the here and the now—-out there, then—-THOSE are the things I focus on and THOSE are what will make this funk go away…that isn’t to say my life isn’t perfect. Cause when I step back and analyze, it is. IS. Strangely content with this life I currently lead, more than I ever have been for sure, I simply know there’s MORE out there. And I want to find it and take a picture of it and do it and journal it and tell people about it. Because being stuck in my head is a dangerously unsettling place to be…it's gloomy and so selfish and reaps so much havoc on your psyche...you dwell on things that don't need to be dwelt upon, and unbury memories that shoulda stayed like 7 feet under in a swamp, and you just can't move on. Consequently, you can only be as happy as your current situation allows.
And my current situation is priceless—-but...so much about my existence could be better.

Tea is something American's often associate with being sick. Or being sad. Or trying to make yourself tired.
If we took a hint from Europe and the Boston Tea Party, we'd see that tea should really be more prevalent in our lives.
This semester, I plan on sipping the mild stuff (mild compared to coffee! which I equally loooove but hurts sore throats) at least 3 times a week.
Tea time should be a part of our culture. It should be instigated again. How cool would it be to sit down with a crumpet and drink some Earl Gray by the rose garden? How much cooler would it be to not have to travel to England to do it...?

Is it sad I have my top 5 wedding dresses picked out along with my colors and my ideal ring, but have no intention of trying to find a groom? I think not.

That Guy

You know him. He's that guy. He's the guy who's eternally got his teeth showing, lips streeeetched from ear to ear. You see him driving in his car...you see him on the street, in the grocery store, at a restaurant. He just doesn't quit. Whatever his secret it....I really don't even want it.

2-0 Eve

There's something funny about birthdays to me. I love em and all...I enjoy the rich, decadent, sinful, dark, dessert I make myself; I sure don't mind scrapping a bunch of wrapping paper into a pile to reveal my new possessions. I really don't mind phone calls and checks to put in the bank from grandparents who used to buy me socks and Christmas sweaters.
No, there isn't anything inherently WRONG with birthday celebrations of past years, the past two decades, though the first 5 I don't recall at all....maybe even the first 7. No, birthdays are quite special and should be celebrated, but these last few years have brought this...

sadness.

I really can't explain it in any other way than to say: another year has gone by, and not a whole lot has changed; I feel a hole, a gap, something missing, something strangely familiar and illusive and aggravatingly potent.

I feel like I'm missing out on something I should know and have and hold and that other people have and hold and know. The realization that I sound deranged is quite apparent, I know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Even after working in the *spa* for only 4 or so days, I've realized there certainly is a place for relaxation and 'me time' in one's life. I understand that some see luxurious treatments that cost extraneous wads of cash as selfish and unnecessary. And there is no way I'm going to say that pedicures, honey glow body treatments and stone massages are necessary; however, there is something to say for letting yourself be carefree for a while. There isn't a certain way to achieve this, and some people aren't even capable of it. But some are, most are, and all should at least try to reach a state of realization and at the same time nothingness in their life at some point. I know that sounds pretty loopy and zen and like weirdo-beardo hippie dippie crap. But it's not, it isn't, and it is a pretty nice thing to achieve.
Reaching this point isn't some big to-do. You don't do seances or chants or anything, cause that's all crap. But finding a way to look at life from different perspectives I think is a much-neglected and a life enhancing practice. That could mean just relaxing by yourself on an empty beach somewhere in the middle of a crisp fall evening, letting the wind tease your hair and allowing your mind to concentrate on ---nothing---. For me it can mean perching on my roof at midnight and looking at the stars through un-contact-lensed eyes, letting the blurred stars take me to a melancholy simple mindset. Other times it happens when I'm driving, and the music and wind numb my ears and my mind to every negative (or positive, sometimes it goes in reverse) occurrence in my life and for a minute I'm taken almost out of body to a place where time isn't a factor, and I just AM.
Whatever makes you carefree, whatever lets you forget the bad for a while, whatever makes you happy to be alive---you should be doing that more often. I think I'll go sit on my roof for a while.

Pink and azure

Cream and lilac

Coffee and Chocolate

Vanilla and Caramel

Pink and Chocolate

Lilac and Vanilla

Cream and Caramel